Only the Geeks Can Save Us!

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My darling is tres magnifique. No question. No doubt.
. . . .
I have to go burn calories and shower and get to class on time....bleeegghhh.
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Flogging Molly, (I'm Irish! I'm entitled!), Franz Ferdinand, Chris Thile and Edgar Meyer (bluegrass), Kotoja (African jazz band), Mississippi John Hurt(blues), Tchaikovsky's Overture of 1812, Missy Elliot, the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Beats Antique (tribal fusion- middle eastern dance beats), Smashing Pumpkins.

*Emily needs to stop being a pussy and stop crying before Tim comes to pick her up*

Most embarassing moment EVER...
I do love my mother. I do.
But OH MY GOD. The things she does, the situations she puts me in...le sigh. Le CRINGE. Thankfully other people involved are sweet and gracious and do not make it worse.

If anyone is on myspace, or any of your friends are on- send them over to Elle Vanderbilt!
http://www.myspace.com/ellevanderbilt
Thanks!

I'd better be able to convince people I have loads of character and presence. Because my face is not going to win me any modeling gigs. Or my body, for that matter. Another 10 or 15 pounds need to be lost before it is even remotely desirable, especially in pictures.
 Ugh, ugh, ugh. I can market myself as the Least Attractive Pinup Girl.

Bea Arthur on Futurama! AHAHA!

( John Keats-  )

I am working on advanced move from bellydance. When done right, it is erotic and superhot, sayeth my teacher. I am working on this stuff since the possibility of performing with a troupe is a possibility. But ohmigod! OW! Floorwork! Kneel with legs spread, and super back arch so your hair sweeps or drags across the floor. This is good. If you can shimmy in this position, the dollar bills will fly.
  And they should.
 Because it HURTS!!!!  OHMIGOD! THE PAIN!

But it looks nifty. :P

All I want is to forget. All I want is to like myself. All I want is to be loved. All I really want is to be happy.
It seems simple.
Nothing could be fucking farther from the truth.
I'm so tired of life.

I feel like shit. I know what I have to do to fix this.

For a little lightening of my mood, I will remember today's cuteness. Boy and I ended up having break at the same time. I was wearing pretty, pretty but not winter friendly spiky heeled mary janes. We came to the sidewalk- all ice and snow. Bugger. I looked at this and thought, there is NO way I am making it across this in these without making an ass out of myself. Seeing my distress, boy stopped and offered his arm. Most sweetly. Where there were little patches of snow, he picked me up around the waist, right over them. When I slid, he grabbed me tight around the middle again to keep from falling. And here was I, little miss happy besotted blonderella...and i walked into a tree. Not like, la-la, oops! Full face on into spiky brances. Spazzed, and freaked out a little, thinking something was attacking my face. Blushed and muttered, Blonde, blonde blonde and he smiled and asked if I was alright. "Fine, fine..." says Emily....backing into another branch. Spazz, spazz, sunglasses go flying, ankle twist, but catch self and...it wasn't graceful. I was embarassed as fuck. But he was very sweet about it and I was able to laugh about it. He finally grabbed me again and just picked me up over the last little snow bank to my car door. Then ruffled my hair and stuck out his tongue. "Blonde!" and he scampered off.
 It makes me feel better.

Stephiroth was FABULOUS tonight. I am so proud of you, darling. You looked adorable and your music was gorgeous. I hope you come and play again. Methinks Vienna would be proud and honored too!
I am so proud of my boy too. I had no idea he was published in an international academic music journal. Sometimes I just shake my head at the crazy shit he's done. Man, is he adorkable.

Thank you for your notes yesterday, darlings. I feel less bitchy and upset. So now I am thinking about nice, uncomplicated things. I am cutting my hair a little bit and dying my hair- what do you think of Daphne Guiness hair? The whitish mixed with with the black streaks without looking skunky?

...Like an argument over curfew.


Emily needs to come up with a solution to this shit now. Or my parents or myself won't make it to the 20th. Le grumblefuck.

Yay Obama!

Tomorrow, grimmer discussions arise. For now, I will dare to be hopeful.

Don't forget to get out and vote today!

-I kind of can't breathe. It feels like my throat has been closing up all day. I am kind of worried I might die in my sleep. C'est la vie. I think I misused that. I blame lack of oxygen. Don't laugh at a dying girl, betches.
-OMG I haz so much 2b doin this week. OMGZROFLZWEBSPEAKS.
-I miss Helga. And Magda. I WANT BELLYDANCING. Which reminds me-
-Emily. You must find out stuff about the Hafla.
-I want to go go dance. I am listening to the boy's band (BETCHES. I R STILL DYING, DONT JOO B LAFING.) and have my hooker boots in front of me and ...yeah, I could totally go-go right now.
-My last ebay purchases for a LOOOOONG time are coming in the mail! I can't wait til they get here- I have a black dress (avec les fleurs!) coming- a perfect blend, at last of sweet and sexy. I can't wait to wear it in tall grasses and on romantic dates and playing with a puppy. Also, I have gorgeous 4" heeled, double-strap mary janes. They are ladylike and sexy but also, with knee socks- naughty! Yay! I am thrilled.
-If any of you read the previous newsflash and said, "wait- emily so hasn't a puppy! Why is she playing with one?!" The boy is contemplating adopting a puppy. If he does, I am invited to come over and play with it.  OMG. Now I really won't ever want to leave. It will probably be that he ends up with a cat...or nothing at all. But I have no pets of my own, so can only cross my fingers that when I move out, I will finally get a kitty of my own.
-I am volunteering at the Animal Welfare Shelter. Or trying to. I think it will probably break my heart but also, I will probably love working with animals. I want a kitty so badly...
-Caps Abuse. I'm sorry.
-So much to do this month...I am totally overwhelmed and want to cry. Instead I will sing in a panicked, high ptich voice
-I miss the boy.
-I need a haircut. I need a lot of things, actually...
-Who is so not ready for the holidays? Geez...
-Emily wants to sleep...but has to finish her work! Tears and sorrow...

I find daily now that things I had kept quiet in me are now banging on the walls of my brain and screaming to get out. I'm scared to take the plunge, but I know it has to happen or I'll regret it forever. I am breathless as I change from something frail to something firey. Am I even myself anymore? Do I regret losing what was lost? I can't stay here forever. I think this change was inevitable. And the plunge is as inevitable as the change...
I'm scared and hopeful...
  but mostly scared.


*No movie night, I fear. I cannot make it, but you girls have a great time, ok?

Emily hates herself, just a little, for dreaming of you.

To anyone who thought Emily wore hooker boots before:

Betches*, you ain't seen NOTHING yet.

*Yes, betches. The misspelling must be used when one is being "Fierce!"